Am I a good mommy?

March 11th, 2009

” Anj, am I not a good mother? “…… a question that I answered but lingered on my mind for quite a while. It’s not actually hard to answer it coz she’s so dear to me and I know almost everything about her. Its just that, I know that exact time she’s in pain and the fact that she’s doubting herself is quite disturbing..Her life story is an open book for everyone close to her, she never lied about her ordeal, not even the hardships she needs to face everyday of her life in a foreign land away from her children.

In a third world country such as ours, working overseas is an oppurtunity that most of us want to grab. US, Canada, Australia, Hongkong, UK are promise lands. I am a product of these dream and I understand everything and anything that goes with it. It’s quite confusing for a little girl to understand but for a mother who needs to support a family, it is the answer.

As a child , it is a big challenge to grow up without a mother guiding you, it is hard to survive a world of oppurtunists and liers. I need to be independent at an early age and has to make decisions for myself though most of the time I am unsure and doubtful. It is scary but I survived. There were times that I would ask my mother to come home and take care of us but at the back of my mind, I understand her.I know its for us, I understand that it is indeed a big sacrifice to leave your children and work abroad. No mother would want to do that if only there’s a better choice,

When I became a mother, I prayed hard that I don’t need to make the same decision, I know I can’t bear to leave my children behind. God is so good that He listened to my prayers and gave me a responsible husband who took and is still taking care of me and my children. ( not that my father was irresponsible, he is a lot older than my mother and by the time we needed a big amount of money, he was not qualified anymore ). …All the more, I understand the burden my mom had, the tears she tried to hide everytime she’d leave, the fears she needed to conquer everytime she’s away. I can imagine those times when she misses us, she will hug her pillow tight and pretend that it was us she’s embracing. it is NOT easy, working abroad is NOT an escape , it is NOT giving up your responsibility to other people, IT IS hope for a better future and a chance to offer more choices for the children. If that is being irresponsible, I don’t know now how it is to be responsible.

“Responsible”? how and when can we say someone is responsible? Is it giving all the material things? so when all I can give to my children is love and my undivided attention and not the things they want, am I not responsible? A father who left his children and wife for someone else but can provide financially, he is already responsible? a mom who works abroad to provide good life for her children but couldn’t be there physically for them, is she not worthy of being called responsible?….yes, sometimes it is a selfish world. We utter words that we don’t really understand, we judge others but we oftentimes forget that we too have shortcomings.

it is scary, crazy world. today the people around you cry with you, the next day you deserve the way you’re treated. the reason why? …..

” Being a parent is one big responsibility, being a good parent is even harder. the future of our children lies on our hands, the decisions we will make can break or make them, their decisions will depend on the choices we will present to them. I guess being selfless, being able to give your love regardless of your distance are reason enough not to doubt yourself. Like what I’ve written on my other post, its sharing the best of you and not what’s left you. Yes, being there physically means a lot, they also say its the quantity of the quality time but what if it doesn’t apply to you? what if being away would mean a brighter future? would you still ask why?how?

Life is short, children grow up fast, we parents want to be there all the time, so if only there’s other option, if only there is a guanrantee that your children will get the best education, food on the table and all their basic needs to grow up healthy and productive, if someone will help you with all of these,would you still go? ”